Cheat Sheet for Election Night

You and me, we're friends, right? You know I get you the good stuff. The right stuff. The stuff that lets you feel smart.

So this post is for you, for tonight. You're going to be at a party, at a friend's house, at a bar, maybe sitting in your living room holding a knife and waiting for an understanding of which way to cut. I know, it's okay. You want to know before anyone else knows how tonight's going to go.

So here's a cheat sheet. I'll break it down, hour by hour, of which states you should be watching.

Before 8:00 PM:

Polls fully closed in: VT, VA, OH, WV, VA, NC, SC, GA, KY, IN

Your guide:

Before 9:00 PM:

Polls fully closed in: ME, MA, NH, CT, RI, PA, NJ, MD, DE, IL, MO, OK, TN, AR, MS, AL, FL

Your guide:

Before 10:00 PM:

Polls fully closed in: MI, WI, MN, NE, WY, CO, KS, AZ, NM, TX, AR, LA

After 10:00 PM:

I plan to be extremely drunk.